Obituary-
Today, Januaray 17th, 2007, Brittany Irene brush has passed away. Her last day was spent at a star castle with her best friend katie. While rollerskating,She fell and unfortunately broke her ankle. The bone had been shattered, and one fragment found its way into her bloodstream and made its way to her heart valve, which burst when the bone latched into it. She lived a good long 14 years, and will be missed y her friends and family.
Poem
The darkness surrounds us.
The neon lights dancing along the walls,
only to dissapear the next moment
People swirl by
the world is turning faster and faster
not a worry enters your mind.
The laugher of your friend guiding you through the night
a sudden crash
the floor seems to fall from beneath your unsuspecting feet
the ground comes rushing up to your face
you hear your friend call your name.
but you dont have a chance to respond
out of nowhere hot tears run down oyur face
and a shot of pain explodes through your entire body
so unearable you dig your nails in your palm a
nd dont even realize you have begun to bleed
and the world continues to go by.
Short Story
I remember the day perfectly. I had just gotten home from school when my friend katie asks me if i want to go with her to star castle. I say yes without a second thought and change out of my uniform and into some jeans, and am out of the house within minutes. The ride there was filled with chatter of the upcoming concert, to which i had front row tickets too. I had been waiting for months now and the big day was tomorrow. It was my weekend to have fun, and let the usual worries of school float away with the wind. We pulled up to the old bulding designed to look like a castle just before dark. The chilly wind ushering us inside. We qucikly scan the place and decide we should go ahead and start skating. It is dark with only the glaring glow of to brightly color neon lights to guide of through. After about an hour, it begins to get a bit crowde, and we decide to go grab some pizza. Getting out was a challenge, especially with rollerblades on when your not the most coodinated person alive. After maneuvering through thosands of toddlers I spot the doors just a few feet in front of me, . I dont know if it was the little girl who whizzed past me out of nowhere or the coke that was spilled on the ground, but suddenly i was on the ground. It took me a second to realize what was going on, and after a few attempts to stand i relize somethings not right. This is when my ankle suddnely exploded in a pain so bad i cant even describe it. The next thing i remember was waking up on sunday, my ankle wrapped in a brace, and sitting in a hospital bed. After learning that i had been passed out through friday and saturday, only one thought crossed my mind.What happened to the concert. The thing i had been most looking for ward to had already passed So i leaned back into my bed and drifted off to sleep, hoping things were better in my dreams.
Dialogue
"Brittany, hurry up" katie screamed
" I'd go a lot faster if i could see" I holler back
I feel my way along a wall, trying to find the locker number so i can grab my shoes
"Where are you"
"I'm by the vending machine"
"I see my friend katie lit up for a second by a passing light, and i suppose she saw me to because she quickly darted over and helped me get my locker open"
"This has been fun but I;m so hungry. I wonder if they have ice cream" I hear her mutter
" I'd rather get my shoes and than focus on my stomach"
She let out a high cackle and than got the combination on my locker right, the door speaking open in a terrible high pitched squeak. I see my black flip flops and grab them in my hands, and take off on the impossible task to find a bench to change out of these skates.
"Katie dont move ill be right back"
" okay i have my phone on if you lose me" she said back.
I glided over through the sea of children and tried to find an available bench. I see one out of the corneer of my eye and begin to head over. A little girl in pigtails scurries by mee out of nowhere and shes the last thing i saw before my face was so kindly introduced to the ground. I sit on the floor for a second, dumbfounded by my own clumsiness and try to pick my self up. Than i fel like someone has dropped ten dictionaries on my feet.
"KATIE" i screamed as loud as i could.
"She instantly spots me and runs over and tries to help me up.
'Bite on your sleeve and please dont scream" she instucted me. Not knowing what she was doing i do as im told. She suddenly took off my skate in a quick flurry of pain. My ankle is swollen to the size of a tennis ball and a bit of bone is peaking out from a bloody spot.
" dont move," she said in a demanding tone.
She ran off as fast as her tiny legs could take her and grabs a security guard. He must of called an ambulance, because within minutes they had put me in a wheelchair.
I looked up and saw my friend katie grinnung at me/
" Klutz" she says in a playful tone
" This is how I roll kiddo" i tease back, trying to ignore the pain pouring out from my ankle
"Your going to be fine" she reassured me.
"I know" I smiled back
Monday, September 22, 2008
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1 comment:
Right now you have four genres for your essay. You need to have five different genres and an introduction to the essay.
As you revise, pay close attention to your spelling, capitalization and punctuation. Those errors will add up. Also, pick one verb tense, present or past, and stay with it all the way through each genre.
I like your use of detail like the black flip-flops and the pigtails. You’ve got great action in the dialog. It definitely keeps me interested in reading.
You repeat the same story in the short story as in the dialog. I prefer the dialog version because you do way more showing instead of telling. While the poem also tells the same story, it tells the story in a really different way, and it conveys the emotions of the situation. You don’t want to tell one story over and over again. You want the entire essay to be one story. The essay as a whole should have a clear beginning, middle and end. The different sections should tell different parts of the story or should convey the story in a very different way (like the dialog and the poem). This should your major area of revision.
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